On the last two years

If there's one good thing about the internet knowing all there is to know about you, it's that it knows your login and password, then, will help you retrieve it. Thank god for Google I guess.

My last post was in 2017. A lot has happened since then. I left my job and home in Southern California to move to San Francisco. I still remember the date. February 24, 2018. No idea why it's ingrained in my head. I'm usually pretty terrible at remembering exact dates for anything. What was the date of my college graduation? The date of my first "big girl" job, post-graduation? 

Anyway, since then, a lot has happened. I fell in love with my new job, a new city, and the idea of being on my own again. I visited Cuernavaca, Cancun, Mexico City, and Teotihuacán in Mexico. Went on a backpacking trip in Denali, Alaska. Witnessed orcas and humpback whales breach over waters in Kenai Fjords. Went on several dates (I know, whaaaaat). Then remembered I'm terrible at dating - it's never them, it's me. I picked up cycling, trail running, and the very occasional climbing sessions. Life was so great. I was learning, doing, and exploring so much. I was peaking... until I peaked. And then...

And then... I lost my job sometime in October of 2018. Long story short. The company dissolved. The company laid off all of the two-hundred-and-something wonderful employees with nothing but the tears in our eyes. 

Except for a few people I saw over the course of the next few days (if you're reading this, thank you), I didn't tell anyone about it. Not even my closest friends. I told my family of course. It wasn't because I was embarrassed about it. It sucked, for sure. I was devastated. But these things happen right? I think I was just numb. It was how I dealt with most things. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to repeat the same story over and over again. I just put a foolish smile on my face and tried to look on the bright side. I'm the type of person who would gravitate to the more positive and optimistic thinking, but I soon learned that it wasn't what I need this time. 

I think I allowed myself to be sad about it for one day. 

Then I distracted myself with so many things for countless others. Hanging out with friends, eating (lots of eating), running, cycling, exploring the city, watching the surf at the beach, and reading. Also drinking. Lots of drinking. Maybe to further numb the pain? I really don't know. I was happy doing so. Is living just crossing off a big list of one happy distraction after another? 

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One Sunday in December (I think it was December 09, 2018. I remember this one too.). I was walking home from watching a movie and having dinner with a friend when someone called me. It was my friend, Vivian. She called to tell me about her trip to Joshua Tree and we talked about that for a while. Then she asked me about my life and for some reason... I just cried. I'm not sure what prompted the tears but holy shit, it felt weird. I was sad. So sad about everything, but especially where I was in life. I cried for a long time. 

After we got off the phone, I laid in bed, turned on some sad tunes, and cried for a few more hours. I felt terrible inside but also, strangely relieved. Crying is so therapeutic after the fact isn't it? I finally admitted to myself that I was sad, really fucken sad, and just let that emotion consume me. It was strange. It was necessary. It felt so easy, so natural. I wasn't forcing positive thoughts into my head. I just let my feelings be. Oh man, those feelings were dark and scared and so unsure of themselves. They all needed a really long hug. 

That night I thought a lot about my self-worth. I put so much of what I value in myself in the work that I do. My job, my contribution to society, the impact I strive to create - all of that adds up to what I think of myself. What I did and who I was, are entwined. I really loved my last job. I truly believed we were creating something valuable. So, with a part of that gone, I had no idea who I was anymore. Then, the age-old question came up, What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I didn't know. And that devastated me. I couldn't move on. I didn't know how to move on. Did I even want to move on?? I knew I desperately needed to move forward.

Anyway, then came a whole month of self-doubting, self-loathing, and minimal motivation. 

I'm definitely in a better place now, but more on that in another post. This is getting quite long and I should get some sleep. 

Thank you for reading.

I do want to say, I'm so grateful for everyone who showed me that they cared about me during this strange time. You made me smile more than you could ever know. (I should tell you in person, too.)

And sorry for the abrupt stop. I'm really quite sleepy.