I took a walk in the city earlier this week and did what I do most. I talked to myself.
I do it quite often. Sometimes a little too much. Then again, How much time spent ‘living in your head’
is considered too much? My mind is where I feel the most comfortable - and ironically, uncomfortable
- so that’s where I always retreat. Stuck inside. Negotiating. Compromising. Arguing. Consoling.
Sometimes questioning. A lot of questioning, actually.
is considered too much? My mind is where I feel the most comfortable - and ironically, uncomfortable
- so that’s where I always retreat. Stuck inside. Negotiating. Compromising. Arguing. Consoling.
Sometimes questioning. A lot of questioning, actually.
“What am I doing with my life?!”
“Do my friends remember that dumb thing I said that one time?”
“Of course they do. God, I’m so embarrassing.”
“I’m weird. People must think I'm crazy.”
Replaying conversations. Imagining scenarios. Thinking up stories. There’s quite a lot going on up
in there. Sometimes it drives me nuts. When it becomes too much, I take an edible just so I can
escape for a bit. It’s a very healthy way to cope, I know. I was nowhere near recreational drugs
this time, so instead, I had to continue listening to my mind.
in there. Sometimes it drives me nuts. When it becomes too much, I take an edible just so I can
escape for a bit. It’s a very healthy way to cope, I know. I was nowhere near recreational drugs
this time, so instead, I had to continue listening to my mind.
While on the walk, my mind wandered off to the past year. To say the least, the past year and a
half was an extremely difficult time. I love to be alone in my darkness so I closed myself off to
the people I love and care about. It was hard to be in touch with others when I wasn’t even in
touch with myself. I think back to all the times I spent with my friends and family, and I cannot
remember the quality of the times we had together. Physically, I was there, but my mind and
heart weren’t. It was always elsewhere. Where? Probably needed some time off.
half was an extremely difficult time. I love to be alone in my darkness so I closed myself off to
the people I love and care about. It was hard to be in touch with others when I wasn’t even in
touch with myself. I think back to all the times I spent with my friends and family, and I cannot
remember the quality of the times we had together. Physically, I was there, but my mind and
heart weren’t. It was always elsewhere. Where? Probably needed some time off.
I also spent a ton of time at work this past year. Definitely too much. I worked 10-12 hour workdays,
then I’d go home and dream about work. It was great. I loved it so much, I even worked Sundays!
Do you know what was worse? I felt that was normal. Of course. It’s normal to put my life on hold
and hustle towards this idea that, at the time, I thought was making a positive change in the world.
And it did. And it still is. But at what cost?
then I’d go home and dream about work. It was great. I loved it so much, I even worked Sundays!
Do you know what was worse? I felt that was normal. Of course. It’s normal to put my life on hold
and hustle towards this idea that, at the time, I thought was making a positive change in the world.
And it did. And it still is. But at what cost?
During this time, I thought I was doing better too. That I was “okay”. But I was still unhappy. Very
unhappy; with who I was and how I lived. I poured every minute and every free thought into my
work because it was a wonderful distraction. A distraction from the thoughts I had about myself.
The shortcomings I was too afraid to face. The emotions I felt day-to-day. Thought about my life,
about love, about my self-worth. It seemed, I failed at everything else, but I succeeded at tearing
down my self-esteem. I just had a tough time handling everything. So I did what I do best - I ignored
it. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve love, whether romantic or platonic, from friends, families,
the people I dated. Definitely, not from myself! How could I love me when there were so many things
about me that I couldn't accept?
unhappy; with who I was and how I lived. I poured every minute and every free thought into my
work because it was a wonderful distraction. A distraction from the thoughts I had about myself.
The shortcomings I was too afraid to face. The emotions I felt day-to-day. Thought about my life,
about love, about my self-worth. It seemed, I failed at everything else, but I succeeded at tearing
down my self-esteem. I just had a tough time handling everything. So I did what I do best - I ignored
it. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve love, whether romantic or platonic, from friends, families,
the people I dated. Definitely, not from myself! How could I love me when there were so many things
about me that I couldn't accept?
Looking back, one thing that kept me going was seeing all my friends succeeding, loving, and
having a good time. It gave me hope that even though my life sucked, it’s okay because there
is still beauty in the world. Every time I saw a butterfly flutter by, I was reminded of good omens
around me.
having a good time. It gave me hope that even though my life sucked, it’s okay because there
is still beauty in the world. Every time I saw a butterfly flutter by, I was reminded of good omens
around me.
I had a breaking point and though I didn’t reach it this time, I was so very close. I’m glad I didn’t
because I’m not sure how I would have come back from it. I was overworked and exhausted. I
was mentally and emotionally disconnected. I felt so empty. I also hadn't kept in touch with a lot
of friends. One day, I reached out to my friends Priscilla and Sandra and said,
because I’m not sure how I would have come back from it. I was overworked and exhausted. I
was mentally and emotionally disconnected. I felt so empty. I also hadn't kept in touch with a lot
of friends. One day, I reached out to my friends Priscilla and Sandra and said,
“What’s up?! What have I been missing out on?”
Their reply: “Life”
They were joking of course- but maybe kinda serious. Just a little bit. I knew it was true. What
had my life become? Weirdly, it gave me the courage to make a choice.
had my life become? Weirdly, it gave me the courage to make a choice.
In November 2019 I said “fuck it”, took 3 weeks off work, flew to the Philippines to witness my
friends say, “I do.” Then, I jetted off to Japan and spent a lot of fucking time by myself. It was
the greatest thing I did for myself that year. I haven’t done shit like that in a while. Do things
because I wanted to… because I needed to. I am grateful that I had the privilege to. Those 3
weeks in Japan were wonderful. I haven’t felt that carefree in a long, long time.
friends say, “I do.” Then, I jetted off to Japan and spent a lot of fucking time by myself. It was
the greatest thing I did for myself that year. I haven’t done shit like that in a while. Do things
because I wanted to… because I needed to. I am grateful that I had the privilege to. Those 3
weeks in Japan were wonderful. I haven’t felt that carefree in a long, long time.
December 2019: I became unemployed (again!). Yikes, but also WHOO. It was the second best
thing that happened that year.
thing that happened that year.
January 2020: I did a lot of self-reflecting. I wrote a lot. I read a lot. I imagined the life I wanted to
live. I made a commitment to allow myself to make that possible. I changed my perspective. I build
up my self-confidence. I took a step without really knowing where it’ll lead, but I just went with it.
I missed that about myself. I miss trusting myself with the unknown. I thought, “Holy shit.” There
she is. She’s back. I let myself feel. Instead of thinking, “I can’t” I started to think, “I don’t know
how to do that, but I’ll learn and I’m going do great.” I think that has made all the difference.
live. I made a commitment to allow myself to make that possible. I changed my perspective. I build
up my self-confidence. I took a step without really knowing where it’ll lead, but I just went with it.
I missed that about myself. I miss trusting myself with the unknown. I thought, “Holy shit.” There
she is. She’s back. I let myself feel. Instead of thinking, “I can’t” I started to think, “I don’t know
how to do that, but I’ll learn and I’m going do great.” I think that has made all the difference.
So, on my walk that February afternoon, without realizing, I said, “Hey, I feel happy. Happy. I’m
happy. Wow, I haven’t felt this in a long time.” I started a new job where I have a balance
of doing work I love and living a life I value. And it's fine to be sad. I get upset, frustrated, annoyed,
sad, unmotivated, uninspired, etc all the time. I feel them and I cope with them.
happy. Wow, I haven’t felt this in a long time.” I started a new job where I have a balance
of doing work I love and living a life I value. And it's fine to be sad. I get upset, frustrated, annoyed,
sad, unmotivated, uninspired, etc all the time. I feel them and I cope with them.
Now, I look at babies and smile.
I know it sounds like this happened overnight, but it didn’t. It took 27 years of human life to be
here, right now. 27 years of my life. I’m still learning and growing. I know happiness is fleeting.
Like a butterfly that floats by. If you’re lucky, you’ll see it, feel it. It’ll capture your soul and make
you feel something you can’t really explain. So you smile, but only just for a moment, and then
it’s gone. But you don’t mind. It’s always worth it. Because when the butterfly is gone, you look
up. You look around you and you see something else. The blue sky, the sun, the clouds, the rain,
the storm. The difference is, this time, you know it’s okay and that it’s a part of life. You trust
yourself to keep going.
here, right now. 27 years of my life. I’m still learning and growing. I know happiness is fleeting.
Like a butterfly that floats by. If you’re lucky, you’ll see it, feel it. It’ll capture your soul and make
you feel something you can’t really explain. So you smile, but only just for a moment, and then
it’s gone. But you don’t mind. It’s always worth it. Because when the butterfly is gone, you look
up. You look around you and you see something else. The blue sky, the sun, the clouds, the rain,
the storm. The difference is, this time, you know it’s okay and that it’s a part of life. You trust
yourself to keep going.
I watched Jojo Rabbit this afternoon and it inspired me to write this post. I fucken love cinema.
I loved the quote at the end of the movie. I’ll leave it here.
"Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final."
- Rainer Marie Rilke
Thank you for being here,
Jen
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