On Failure

Hello again, dairy.

This post isn't going to be that deep, but a revolutionary thought came to my mind today as I was on the muni staring out the window, thinking about life.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot like a failure, maybe even a loser. It's April and I still haven't secured a full-time job. Looking for a job, applying for "said" job, and preparing & interviewing for the jobs are physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. It's exhausting. I'm so exhausted. To make this short, I haven't found the right fit. Either the role is something I realized I'm not interested in as I move along the interview process, the company culture/people and I don't vibe, or (and this happens often), I'm not qualified because I don't have enough experience. Being a creative writer trying to squeeze your way into the world of tech is so dang tough... on your self-esteem. Rejection sucks. So yeah, "failure" is something I feel imprinted on my soul lately.

When people asked me, "What have you been doing with your life?" I'd feel so small because I'd think, "Yeah, I don't know. Wtheck have I been doing with all this time?" 

Not working, that's for sure. I am a loser. I know it. A real-life modern loser who wake ups at 12pm  PDT on some days and doesn't change out of her pajamas on others. So yeah, I guess nothing of importance?

But it's not "nothing." I'm only starting to realize that. 

I've been writing articles for Tinycaravan, volunteering my copywriting/creative skills at Tarjimly, and freelancing with two clients to develop their brand and website content.

And you know what? I'm enjoying the hell out of life. If none of the above projects mattered, at least I'm having a lot of fun. I had this idea that if I wasn't working, I wasn't making use of my time. If I don't work more than 60+ hours a week, I'm not being productive. Why do I feel this way? I need to stop thinking that way.

Now, I'm starting to change my perspective. Or rather, grow from how I used to think.

In retrospect, living and loving my life is making wonderful use of my time. I shouldn't feel guilty about that. And I shouldn't feel like I'm wasting time when I ride my bike, rock climb, read at the park, meet up with friends, go out for a drink, eat, sleep-in, take a midday nap, or watch the waves crash at the beach. Even turning off my brain is necessary. Those are all things I enjoy doing. I'm fortunate to be able to enjoy it freely, in my own time. Why am I not appreciating these moments as they happen? These feelings are fleeting.

I'm succeeding at something and that’s, being happy. Some days are better than others, but I understand that’s just how it is. Life. My well-being is high on my priority list and I think I’m doing okay. I need to stop being so hard on myself for doing so. This roadblock in my professional career doesn't define me. It's taking a long time to figure out, but I'll get there (what even is considered a long time anyway?). 

Although that doesn't make the other feelings any less real — interviewing sucks, freelancing is stressful, I want the stability of a consistent income, and I wish I could do more (even though I feel like there is already so much on my plate of life) — but I'm able to make rent and pay the bills, so no, you're not a real-life modern loser, Jennifer. You're doing alright. It's going to be okay. You're going to be fine. Things will start to make sense. 

Eventually.

:)